Solitude
by Crimson Love20
Summary: A few weeks before Twilight begins. Edward wishes he had someone to love. Little does he know, Bella is only a few weeks from coming into his life. Can he fight his solitude until she arrives? In Edward's POV. Reviews are appreciated! Now a two-shot.
1. Solitude

**Something about 3 in the morning makes me feel creative... Strange, I know.**

**Disclaimer: The Cullens aren't mine... Stephenie Meyer has that privilege.**

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I had tried to forget the fact that I was alone many times, but it always came back to haunt me in the simplest ways. Every smile between Jasper and Alice was another few minutes of intense longing. One night shared between Emmett and Rosalie equaled days of self-loathing for myself. A single touch could trigger my loneliness, and my family knew it. They tried to tread carefully around me, but there were times that they couldn't stop it.

I couldn't blame them. They should be happy. They shouldn't try to censor their feelings for my sake. I just had to put on a brave face and take it. There were days when it was all too much, and I would flee. Those days were rare.

As of this moment, Alice was leaning into Jasper's arms, her eyes closed, her body relaxed. Esme and Carlisle were sitting next to each other. Their hands were intertwined. Rosalie and Emmett weren't in sight, but everyone knew what was going on. My arms longed to be wrapped around my wife, whoever she was. My hands tingled with the thought of holding someone's hand.

_Edward, please. The self-loathing is difficult to absorb._

It would be one of those nights. "My apologies, Jasper." I stood, heading for the door. Esme straightened, her eyebrows dipping gently.

_Edward? Did we . . .?_

"Esme, you're fine. I'll be back in time for school. I just need to think."

My mother nodded uncertainly, her thoughts laced with doubt and hesitancy. She returned to Carlisle, and I left my home. I loved my siblings dearly, but I envied their luck in finding a mate. True, Carlisle had been alone much longer than myself, but he had someone now. The same was true for Jasper.

I glided through the forest, my thoughts in a jumbled mess inside my head. All I wanted was someone to care for and to protect. It really wasn't that much to ask.

Of course, I was a monster, a killer. I didn't deserve to be loved. Fate was not kind enough to allow me that escape from my own misery. But really, what had I done to justify such an escape? I had killed monsters, not innocents. Nevertheless, I had killed. I was sure that the universe would see a murder as a murder regardless of the victim. I would be alone for the rest of eternity.

That much I had come to grips with. There would never be someone to love me like that. I would never have someone standing next to me through good and bad times. I would never have a partner to hunt with. I would never have a mate, a wife. Yet I could still pretend. I could still hope. But hope was a cruel thing, really.

I came to a stop a few miles away from the house and looked up at the night sky. Was there really a higher power? Many humans seemed to think so. I could recall my mother taking me to church when I was young. She had believed in God.

I felt ignorant, silently praying to this deity for a woman that I could love. Yet it was worth my time. When I truly thought about it, what did I have to lose? A few moments out of eternity was a small price to pay if I somehow managed to obtain a love out of this.

The self-loathing that had been eating away at me slowly faded. Instead of being at the forefront of my feelings, it had receded into the back of my mind. At this point, it was just a dull ache. It would never fully disappear, but it became bearable.

I returned to my home. Emmett and Rosalie had decided to grace the family with their presence this morning. Emmett wanted to wrestle with Jasper, and Rosalie was speaking with Alice about when they could plan their next shopping trip. Esme and Carlisle were content to watch their children interact with one another.

No one looked at me as I sat down in a chair. They knew by now why I had left. It seemed to be an unspoken rule in the family. No one had to say anything when one of us wanted to be alone. We weren't judged.

_Welcome back,_ Esme thought warmly.

I nodded in her direction, giving her a small smile. She had done so much for me when I deserved none of it.

My favorite sister glanced up at me, a huge grin lighting up her face. _I know something you don't know, _she sang happily in her mind.

"And what would that be, Alice?" I tried to read her mind, but she blocked it off by thinking of what she was going to get Jasper for their anniversary six years from now.

Her grin was blinding. _You'll see,_ was her only reply. I watched my sister for a few more moments before shaking my head.

Alice ran to Jasper and hugged him tightly. I shut my eyes and looked away. If God was going to be merciful and grant my request, then I hoped it would be in the very near future.

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**Yay!! 3 a.m. and it still makes sense! Or so I think. :D**

**Anybody have a favorite part in New Moon? Please review. I stay up 'til three to write this, and one little review will make me stay up one more night to write something else. I swear.**

**- J.C.  
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	2. Numb

**All right. I liked where I left it, but there was also room for a second part, so I'm going to do the second part.**

**Disclaimer: Even weeks before Edward met Bella, he still belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

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These past few weeks had been torture. My family had constantly been together, effectively forcing me from the home almost every night. Alice was being exceptionally devious and cryptic, always having an unimportant topic on her mind. She shot me a few wide grins and sly looks, but whenever I asked about them, she shrugged and said that she had no idea what I was talking about.

Every waking moment of my existence was spent wondering if my request for love was being answered. Would this omniscient being say yes or no? Would he put my request on hold because I was immortal, a child of Lucifer? I knew I had no right to ask for something of that importance, but I couldn't help myself. I was so exhausted of being alone.

For myself, the days passed endlessly, and my only marker for time were the hours that I had to go to school. If I wasn't going to school, I'd never know the date. I felt as if I was simply floating through time, everything covered by a haze that I couldn't see through. I was close to the surface, but it was always just out of reach. I thought I could see, but I wasn't seeing shapes or vivid colors.

Things blended into one another, just like time. The only faces that ever stood out to me were those of my family. Every so often, my attention would be captured by a new thought or a new face. Moments later, it would fade, like everyone else's.

"Edward?" Jasper asked, breaking me from my thoughts.

I glanced at my brother. His face told me all I needed to know. There were many times that I would become so involved in my own thoughts that I forgot that Jasper was an empath.

"I apologize, Jasper. I was thinking." It was all I did. I rarely played baseball anymore. The only real joy I felt was when I was with my family or when I played the piano.

"It's all right, Edward. I wanted to let you know that it's about time to leave for school."

"Thank you. I'll be down in a moment."

He nodded, smiling sadly at me._ Esme is worried about you_.

"I'll speak with her," I murmured.

It was as if the haze that covered my eyes seemed to dilute the joy in anything. I stood, making my way to my mother.

"Good morning, Esme," I murmured. She smiled at me, her expression filled with sympathy.

"Are you all right, Edward?" she asked.

"Yes, Esme, I'm fine."

A smile curled half of her mouth. "I really doubt that," she told me wistfully. She took my hand gently, squeezing. "I know you want a mate, Edward. We're all trying, we really are, but -"

"No, Esme. Don't give up your happiness for me. I'm not worthy of such a gesture. I do appreciate the thought." Every word, every line was carefully rehearsed, the product of answering the same questions for different family members again and again.

The excitement in her eyes dimmed, and she nodded. "If that's what you wish, Edward."

"Thank you, Esme."

"Edward, come on! We have to go!" Alice called.

Esme squeezed my hand once more before letting go. School was my escape from the love my family had for their mates. My family was my escape from the relationships at school.

True, Alice's love for Jasper had more strength than your average high school relationship. And Rosalie's love for Emmett had more passion than a high school student, but two strong relationships are sometimes better than seventy weak relationships.

I had to endure every thought. Every fantasy, every romantic idea, every late night in their minds was revealed to me. I had to watch as dozens of students held hands, sneaked kisses, hugged each other tightly. The love, however weak it was, was still there. It was in every glance, every intertwined hand, and every whispered thought.

My family tried to censor their thoughts. These humans knew nothing of the emotional pain they put me through daily. Still, the veil covering my eyes allowed me to miss the smaller crushes and wishes. Yet it was not always enough.

My family and I were currently seated together. Alice was grinning at me and holding Jasper's hand.

"What, Alice?" I hissed lowly.

She kept grinning but shook her head. "Can't tell."

I sighed angrily, sitting back in my seat. Why did my favorite sister also have to be the most annoying person on the face of this earth?

"Did you hear about Isabella Swan?" Alice asked after a moment.

"What about her?" She was the daughter of the police chief. The rumor was that she had finally returned to Forks to live with her father.

"She came to school today. She's with Jessica Stanley right now, over there." Alice motioned her head toward a table. I turned, not wanting to upset her.

My eyes barely focused on Jessica **(A/N: That's my name! :D)** before moving to the new girl seated next to her. Isabella Swan had mahogany hair that fell past her shoulders in loose waves. Her skin was pale, and it radiated health. Her lips were full and pink. My eyes flickered to her eyes. They were staring into mine with wonder. They were bright brown pools of color that I could easily fall into without meaning to.

And suddenly, the veil lifted. Sounds rushed toward me, smells filled my nose, and images flickered across my field of vision so quickly that I had to blink a few times to take it all in. I turned away to face Alice, not understanding what had just happened. Alice had a small smirk on her face, and I knew that she knew. This was the secret she'd been hiding for over a month.

It took me a moment to regain my composure. I was extremely sensitive to all these new sounds, scents, and forms after being numb for so long.

I glanced back at Isabella Swan, incredulous. This human girl had given my senses back to me. I silently thanked God, keeping my eyes trained on her petite, fragile form.

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**Yay, I finished!! Yay me!**

**Could everyone review, please? Please tell me how I did in Edward's point of view. I think I did pretty well, but my opinion is kinda biased...**

**So, review? Please?**

**- J.C.  
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